While this blog post is generally harmless, and I have been a strong supporter of a healthy mindset on food and body positivity, a conversation or topic on body image, especially weight and food, can be quite triggering for some folks. If you got triggered by talks on food and diet culture, and you are not feeling safe as of now, feel free to skip this post.

I have finally “graduated” from my dietitian. Not that it was like some kind of school, but I am glad to share that my dietitian seen a lot of positive improvements in me, so there is no need for me to have regular visits/as many as it used to.

For some folks who might not know about it yet, I went to a dietitian last year. I decided to consult with a dietitian after a conversation on the subreddit /perempuan (Indonesian women’s space); someone asked about a diet recommendation, and another one answered that they would have better insights by consulting with a dietitian. “A lot of people think that it’s only a matter of eating less. In my case, surprise, surprise, it was due to the fact that I eat too little. In the end, to achieve a healthy point in my life, I need to eat more.”

I have been struggling with body image and weight for so long, all while feeling lost and frustrated in the process. Hence, after reading that answer, I decided to set an appointment with a dietitian at a hospital I used to frequent (Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur). Throughout my sessions, I had Ms. Goh Yee Xuen as my dietitian, and I really appreciate her and her knowledge. I came to the clinic, prepared myself for hearing harsh and judgmental words, as one usually does whenever they are trying to be healthy and seeking “expert help”, so imagine my surprise when Ms. Xuen spoke to me with such kindness and gentle tone. No judgment at all, and she was curious on why I decided to visit a dietitian.

“There were no medical issues whatsoever. It’s just that… I saw someone’s answer on Reddit, and I have been frustrated with the process of being and staying healthy, so here I am,” I told her that.

She started by asking me about my health, eating patterns, and schedule. The type of food that I usually take, how often… the likes. I shared with her, and I remember being so proud when I told her that I usually have two hard-boiled eggs and coffee every morning. “But, yeah, tu lah, I pun tak faham why my weight just keep staying on that number. I tau I tu obese, and I want to work on that.” We also established the important fact and goal: Fat loss, not weight loss. I used to joke with my friend, “weight loss is easy. You potong kaki atau tangan pun boleh weight loss. Fat loss is a process, and it’s not our place to judge people.”

She then asked me to weigh myself on a body composition analyzer (InBody). I used to feel scared of having myself weighed, but, hey, one gotta do what one gotta do, right? I took a deep breath and stepped onto the scale. What do you know, apparently, my muscle mass is above average! My upper body is more muscular than my lower body! Ms. Xuen told me that my body’s muscle mass is really good for someone in my age bracket (40 years), and that made me feel sentimental. Here I am, thinking the worst of my body, how fat and such a slob I am, thinking about everything but appreciating how this body has been helping me get through a lot of things in life; yet, here it is, my body showing me that they are fighting with me and keeping me alive to enjoy a lot of good things in life. We also saw a lot of information there, such as visceral fat area (in cm²), percent body fat (in %), segmental lean analysis (in kg and %, this area shows you the percentage of muscle your body has on each part), and even recommended exercises to try.

Her summary: I eat too little.

No kidding. She literally told me, “you are not eating enough.”

According to her, I lacked carbohydrates in the morning. “Carbs are the best source of energy, and considering your activities as a housewife, you need carbs. Of course, it’s best if you consume unrefined carbs to keep the fiber level high and control the sugar intake.” So you are saying I can get my wholemeal English muffins with boiled eggs for breakfasssstttt?

We also discussed the recommended portions and nutritions intake. If you think I need to eat tiny itty bitty portion for my daily meal, you are wrong. Apparently, this is “very good!” according to Ms. Xuen and dietitians in general.

It was a Hainanese Chicken Rice Meal set from The Chicken Rice Shop, and I remember when I shared the picture with Ms. Xuen on WhatsApp, she told me, “that’s a really good portion!”

“E– Excuse me? This much? Good portion? This is not too much?”

“Not at all. It has a good balance of carbs, fiber, and protein.”

When I got pregnant last year, she even told me to increase my meal schedule and got myself a morning snack, which I happily obliged.

When I had a miscarriage, she also told me to increase my protein and iron intake for wound recovery. “At this point, don’t stress too much on the numbers. Your body just endured one of the heaviest stresses. Take care and feel better soon.”

We did have a situation where things seemed stuck, though, and that was the only time Ms. Xuen suggested a low-calorie diet. She even had to craft her words carefully and took her time to suggest it. She specifically told me that a low-calorie diet, where the calorie intake is lower than the basal metabolic rate (the number of calories your body burns just to keep you alive), can only be done under supervision (in this case, her supervision) and no more than a month. I have always felt that she hated it whenever I skipped meal time, hahah. “No skip skip makan!” she used to tell me that. Even when I did the low-calorie diet by having a meal replacement drink (Glucerna) for lunch, she requested me to top it up with one portion of fruit and one portion of protein. I protested because Glucerna tasted horrible. Not as horrible, horrible, but I always find Glucerna is too sweet for me, and it made me feel uncomfortably full (in Malaysian language, we call it “muak“. In Indonesian, we call it “eneg“), so adding a portion of fruit and a portion of protein would be waaaay too much for me and I could sense the Glucerna took its trip back up to my mouth. We finally agreed on having two or three serving spoons of Glucerna instead of the recommended five serving spoons.

That said, quite contrary to how folks usually think people on a healthy diet should eat, this is what I had when I was consulting with a dietitian. In short: Nothing changed. I even still enjoy Nasi Padang.

The only difference was that I am now eating a shit ton of vegetables, and I have been enjoying it ever since! This is also a recommended portion by Malaysian Ministry of Health Sesuku Sesuku Separuh: In one plate, quarter for protein, quarter for carbs, and half for fiber. I got myself a lunch plate from Nitori (similar to this), and it has been helping me a lot! I am also not restricting myself to snacks. If I want to eat snacks, then so be it. Two medium chocolate chip cookies have 98 kcal, and rather than I’m splurging on “healthy foods” which can amount to hundreds of calories and still feeling horrible because I didn’t eat chocolate chip cookies, then chocolate chip cookies it is.

It’s all about portion and moderation. True that we all are different and each one of us has our own challenges and journey, which makes the role of dietitians and nutritionists even more important.

At our last meeting yesterday, Ms. Xuen told me that she feels that I already have a good grasp of portion control, maintaining the good habit in eating, and a healthy mindset on food (for me, there is no such thing as “bad food” or “good food”; it’s always “high nutrition-food” and “low nutrition-food”, also, “fun/sometimes food”). Also, since I have increased my exercise schedule with weekly swimming classes, I’m on my way to improving my fitness level. Hence, I am now “graduated”, hahah!