Apparently, it was only for eight weeks. Well, eight or ten, I’m not sure.
That said, it was back on Monday, almost two weeks ago, when the doctor scanned me, and as she put down the scanner stick, she looked at me with such a look — a look that somehow my gut was already telling me that yes, I knew it, too — and with a really low voice, almost a whisper, said, “I’m so sorry.”
I could understand her sorrow, and at the same time, I knew. With my previous pregnancies, even when the pregnancy was as young as 5 weeks old, I could always sense that something was there, something alive, with a heartbeat. With this little one, for some reason, I could sense they left with a faint good-bye as my body decided not to continue the process.
In Islam, it is believed that the souls of children who have passed away are taken care of in the High Heavens by Prophet Ibrahim AS (Abraham) and his wife, Siti Hajar. I’m not sure if this little one is there, but I would love to think that way. Perhaps they are there, perhaps they are not.
My eldest, Wira, has been fascinated by the technology from the 80s and the 90s since years ago. I’m not sure how it was started, but I remember it was one fine afternoon during the global lockdown when he asked, “can we trade our TV?”
I looked at our flat-screen LCD TV, perched proudly on the living room, serving only football matches and cycling race. I’m more of a handheld gadget girl as I prefer my streaming services there.
“With…?”
“You know that big TV, from the olden days?”
My son called my childhood as “olden days”. Okay, we need to accept the reality, right? I mean, it’s much more preferable compared to when he was younger than this and asked me, “did you live alongside the dinosaurs, mum?”
“What… TV?”
“You know, that type of classic TV.“
“Are you referring to CRT TV? Cathode Ray Tube TV? THAT type of TV?”
“Yep. Can we? 😀”
“Boi, there are reasons why we have flat TV today.”
(Also, to answer the question: No.)
A couple of months ago, he got himself a CD player. He saved up his pocket money, and he got a CD player, shipped from China. It was quite surprising to see the price, though. I thought the price would be cheaper because the technology can be considered outdated, but I guess it’s about scarcity, hence the price.
I did ask him what’s wrong with streaming services and his phone, and he said that, “the vibe is different. There is something cool about listening to an album and you know exactly what you will listen to next. Especially when the artist specifically composed the song to “connect” with the next song. Also, we have been robbed of album art.”
That, I must agree. I miss seeing album art, artist’s comments, and printed lyrics.
Today, Wira showed me his new Discman. Well, Discman is the brand name for Sony Discman, hahah. His is Panasonic, so, mobile CD player, I guess?
I once saw someone, an Indonesian, wrote on Threads: “It always feels easier to journal things in English as it’s not our primary language, and it makes us detached from our feelings,” and it stuck with me ever since. Perhaps that’s the reason why I have been feeling so frustrated with my blog (for the umpteenth time), but somehow, it feels weird to write in Indonesian.
Anyway! I’m doing quite well here. I already had several visits with the obstetrician, and from our past 3 visits, the baby is looking great — as great as a, uh, blob. There was some kind of bloodied scare, though, but it was super minor (even though we took midnight trip to the ER because we were so worried!) and the obstetrician prescribed me progesterone hormone supplements to ensure my uterus stays strong and healthy.
One of my biggest fears when we got the news was that this pregnancy can be considered as a high-risk pregnancy. I told my obstetrician, “I’m so scared of this high-risk pregnancy. I’m 40 years old, and according to BMI, I’m obese.”
Surprisingly, at least for me, the obstetrician looked so… relaxed (?) Definitely less worried than I did, hahah. She assured me that it’s now super common for 40 years old women to be pregnant, even with first child. As for obesity, she mentioned that the concerns are due to possible complications that might happened, notably: High blood pressure and diabetes. Since I don’t have any history of both high blood pressure and diabetes on my previous pregnancies, she assured me that things should be alright. “Besides,” she said, “those things are actually manageable. You don’t have to worry about them.”
Right now, the pregnancy age is 5 weeks-ish, according to the latest USG. So far, I have been having nausea, but not super extreme (yet). I do have some cravings, though, usually in forms of warm jasmine rice and tempe goreng. I found myself enjoying Asian food more (rice rules ✊✨), and have been avoiding sourdough bread like a plague. I also found myself feeling tired more than usual, but I always try to squeeze in a 30-minutes super mild super relaxed treadmill walk.
Also, fun fact, I have been visiting a dietitian. This was a funny coincidence, though. I decided to consult with a dietitian several weeks before I found out I was pregnant. The reason being: I don’t know how to stay healthy. Sure, I can scoured the whole Internet and social media for tips and recommendations, but without an expert’s help, it might be hard. I really don’t want to pull myself into self-wallowing vortex and body image issues. Been there, done that.
When I had the first meeting with the dietitian, we chatted about my eating patterns and habits. Surprise, surprise, she told me: “You are not eating enough.”
“… … … … excusemewhat 😀”
“You are not eating enough. Your breakfast only consists of two boiled eggs. This is not enough. You need to have two slices of toast and a cup of fruits.”
“Also,” she continued, “do you think you can squeeze in a snack time?”
I had to process her words. Snack time? I’m, uh, shaw-rey 💅 I don’t snack. I rarely snack. I usually eat just three times a day. That’s it. That should be considered as healthy, no?
Apparently, nope. What happened is: My body is lacking nutrients, so it has been running on “survival/panic mode”. Every nutrient that it gets being kept as fat reserve as Just In Case We Need To Face An Apocalypse. My body literally going, “oh, are we running from the Dutch Indies, my dear? Not to worry, I will make sure you are plump to be ready to fight the colonizer!”
To combat it, the body needs more food to ensure the body that everything is alright. To ensure the food is being used properly, daily 30 minutes exercise is recommended.
Anyway. I just started with the new meal schedule for a week when the pregnancy news came out. As expected, the dietitian grinned and said, “alright, two snack times: Morning and afternoon. You think you can do that?” So, yeah, in case anyone wants to know, I have been grazing for the past week. I might in the process of depleting the nation’s peppermint tea and chamomile tea’s reserve.
Obligatory pics for you all, online uncles and aunties:
It was last week, when my precise-as-clockwork period schedule suddenly missed for four days. At that time, there were three things on my mind:
Perimenopause, since I’m 40 years old already,
“IS THIS A CANCER?” — a very good reason why doctors all over the world discourage us to Google our symptoms, and…
Pregnancy, which, “I don’t think it’s possible? I suppose to be on perimenopause, no?”
Then again, I decided to do a test, just to eliminate one possibility — until I saw a faint second line.
It was midnight, and Ari already fast asleep, but he still got awoken when he heard my “huh?”
“What happened?”
“Is— is this a second line?”
“Huh,” he rubbed his eyes and squinted it with hope it could ward off the sleepiness, “I honestly not sure. How about we check it again tomorrow morning?”
In the morning, I tested again. I did found it weird when the pharmacy cashier insisted that I should take another test pack when I bought it the day before. “Buy one get one free,” she said, and when I said I only need one, she repeated her words: “Buy one get one free, ma’am.” Well, I did use both of the test packs.
“So, how was it?” Ari popped his head on the bathroom door.
“Is this a second line?”
“Huh. Let me see. I… think so? Do you want to get a USG scan?”
“Yeah. We can also check with a doctor. Let’s go to the clinic nearby our house before we go to the hospital.”
In the clinic, I told the doctor that I wanted to check if I’m, indeed, pregnant. The doctor listened, and said, “I know you have tested it yourself, but you aren’t sure. Let’s test it again here, and if the result is negative, we can do a scan.”
I agreed, and I took another test. We waited outside the doctor’s office for several minutes and when the doctor called us back, she pushed a pregnancy test and said: “Congratulations.”
“Is it—?”
“Yes. It’s more prevalent now. The line is clearer.”
I must admit, my first thought was fear. It’s not that I’m not happy about the pregnancy, it’s just that I’m so scared if I couldn’t provide for the baby. I mean, in this economy? In this kind of world??
Both Ari and I talked about it in depth. Also, yes, I used contraceptive (IUD), that was why the news was such a shock. We then decided to contact our obstetrician and inform her this news. I remember our obstetrician muttered, “but it’s 99% success rate.” I hear you, but sometimes the 1% can make the whole lot differences. She then pulled out the IUD because the procedure requires her to do so, and let us discussed our next steps.
Long story short, we decided to continue the pregnancy.
I just remembered I haven’t blogged anything about this. Not exactly forgotten about this, but I have been ruminating whether I should write about this or not because I don’t think I should as I don’t think I deserve anything about it, even the grief, and it has been going on for weeks and I ended up putting it on the back of my mind, but here we goes.
My dad passed away last month.
I said something about “undeserving of grief” because, if I can be honest, my relationship with my parents weren’t the greatest. So many coulda woulda shoulda, but in the end, it was a whole scorched-earth situation.
That said, if you are expecting this blog post to be something like grief, or apologizing, or similar to that, I must tell you that it might not going to be like that. Still so many shoulda woulda coulda, even worse after hearing stories from others and me ending up thinking, “then why not me? Why others deserved the kindness, but not me?”
Anyway.
Still, he was my dad, and there were some memories. Requiescat in pace.
I mentioned here that one of the things I wanted to do, and passed, is learning how to drive. I couldn’t drive, and there were times I wished I could. I remember when Rey was still a baby, and she got a fever. It was midnight, my husband was out of town for a business trip, and I didn’t know what to do. I pulled an all-nighter and took Rey to the hospital in the morning.
Late last year, I thought to myself, “here it is,” and decided to have a driving lesson. Ari and I passed this place several times, so we decided to contact them.
The process was quite smooth. The staff told me upfront that the payment would be different since I’m not a Malaysian, which, understandable. They also told me the necessary steps to apply for a driving license in Malaysia. In general, the steps are:
Attending a 6-hour in-class session (theory lessons),
Passed the theory test (you need 42 correct answers out of 50 questions) ,
Attending the driving lessons: 10 hours for lessons in the circuit, and 6 hours for lessons on the road.
Passed the Qualifying Test at the Institute (QTI) — someone told me that the QTI was added as part of the compulsory steps after an accident that involved a JPJ (Road Transport Department in Malaysia) staff member with a driving test attendee during the JPJ test (the final driving test.) After a series of investigations, the driving test attendee had just finished their driving lessons (5 days before) and immediately took the JPJ test. Considering the possible lack of technical skills, the government then decided for driving institutions in Malaysia to add another layer of complexity: QTI. This to ensure driving test attendees are actually qualified to attend the test and drive properly on the circuit and on the open road, be it for a test.
Last but not least, the final boss: Passed the JPJ test. During this test, JPJ staff will be there and grade our performance. Some people said that QTI was harder than the JPJ test because the evaluators are usually really rigid to ensure only those who actually can attend the test can pass, but some said that both are equally terrifying, hahah.
There was no problem on my end in attending the classes since I am now a housewife without time constraints during the daytime. I took the driving classes on weekdays, and I was pretty happy. Since it was during the weekdays, there were not a lot of folks practicing, so my instructor and I got the circuit for ourselves to practice. It was fun, though, seeing a lot of folks practicing to drive and seeing the cars moving slowly and carefully. My heart is happy seeing cars actually giving signs when they are going to turn or switch lanes, hahah.
Also, I got the chance to see the folks learning how to drive motorcycle there. The driving institute also offers driving license and lessons for other types of vehicles: Motorcycles, lorries, bus, even tractors! I was surprised when I learned that even three-wheels motorcycles (commonly used for differently-able folks and those who usually carry goods around) need a proper license.
It kinda amused me seeing the motorcycle-driving students paying attention to the traffic, even stopping and looking both ways several times when they are at a junction, while in reality, some people with motorcycles can be quite reckless. I really hope that with more people taking driving lessons like this, it will help us to build better traffic and road conditions.
I had a stumbling block when I had my JPJ test. I failed at the first time, in February, on the side parking/parallel parking section. While the car was in the allotted parking box, the side mirror was not. The JPJ staff informed me this and encouraged me to retake the exam. Which, I did. I took a repeat exam back in March, during the Ramadan month, so it was… Interesting. I didn’t fast at that time, but for some reasons, the intense pressure that commonly felt during Ramadan month (most moslems see the Ramadan month as our purgatory level anyway, hahah. It’s the month when we do our best in everything and work hard, which, can be felt even twice or thrice harder thanks to the dry fasting) and while I was able to pass the side parking section, I failed — again! — on the three-point turn! It was quite tricky as: 1. You only got one chance to make it right (compared to side parking when you got 5 minutes to park), 2. You only got three chances to stop/hit the brakes, and 3. No hitting/driving over the straight yellow lines.
“Frustrated” was the right word, yep. Everyone around me told me to keep my chin up and take a break since we approached Eid, and I should use the opportunity to keep learning. Ari helped me by taking me to empty parking areas in Putrajaya so I could practice on the weekends.
I had my (re)repeat exam yesterday, and I’m glad to share with you all that I passed! The driving instructors encouraged us to stay calm and drive slowly during the exam, and the JPJ staff also mentioned that they won’t be as strict as the first time, as they know we already have a certain level of driving skills, as we (re)practice after the previous failed tests.
I admit, I was so nervous when I approached the three-point turn, but I’m so glad I could make it smoothly. I kinda felt that the JPJ staff knew how nervous we were, so they decided to look away/pretend not to look when we did our three-point turn, hahah!
Now that I have passed the exam, I will need to go to the JPJ office to finish up my driving license application process in the next couple of days. As of now, I’m so happy I finally got the coveted P car stickers! P stickers on cars mean that the driver is new/just freshly passed the exam, so other drivers who are usually more experienced would know and take precautions when driving near these P drivers, hahah.
Yesterday, during lunchtime, I got a phone call from a person saying they were a third-party appointed by Maybank.
The gist is: An account owner on Maybank named Saleha binti Zakaria listed my number as their emergency contact number. The account is suspected of several suspicious transactions, and Saleha cannot be contacted, so this person, on behalf of Maybank, contacted me.
My gut said this is a scam. I don’t know any Saleha binti Zakaria in my life, I don’t have a Maybank account, and, well, overall, the whole thing reeks of a scammer.
I did entertain the conversation, though. I used broken Bahasa Melayu overlapped with English, most of the time I used English, and told the guy that I don’t know any Saleha and I don’t have a Maybank account. I told him: “If needed, I can just go to Maybank and check with them.”
The guy thanked me and ended the conversation. This is where I got the doubt: The conversation was too “civil” for a scam 😅 Like, wow, he was really polite as a scammer lor, hahah. But then again, I think this is a scam. I checked the phone number on Truecall, and the number returned as the number of a teacher/principal (?) of a middle school. I highly doubt this guy is the person who called just now; perhaps number masking? Is it possible to do number masking on a personal phone number? I also haven’t contacting MCMC (Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission) to report the number because what if the number is actually legit and the scammer using some sort of number masking effort.
Anyway! I posted my experience on the subreddit r/malaysia here, under the mega post on commonly known scam tactics in Malaysia. Stay safe, folks! In case you suspect you got scammed or receive scam phone calls, you can report them by following the guide provided here.
